I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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