And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
