I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
