Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
