I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
