I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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