I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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