Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
dude. I can hear the air.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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