Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
