I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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