I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just want to make out with him forever
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
jump out the window naked night went bad
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
