i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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