at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
