doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
