Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize