I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
