Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
being pregnant is like rehab
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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