he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I didn't notice because vodka
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize