Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
