guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Don't make out with my wife yet
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
