Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
