Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
