Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
