Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
