forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
