Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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