I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
