So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
