Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
