ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
