I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
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