I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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