i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
