sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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