i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
