he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
