just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
