I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
