The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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