we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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