The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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