oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
