my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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