And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
