I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
