My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
