I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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