so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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