I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
