I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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