I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
