halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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