I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize