guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
