Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
