Im at strip club and am horny
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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