I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
