I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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