my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
