yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
