There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
