ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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