With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
